I sat there, baffled at what he said. A blow to my
self-esteem, if it is not already crumbled.
“I like fat chicks”, was what he used to say. Now, I’m not
fat, but I am certainly very dissatisfied with my own body. Untoned arms, wide
hips and no flat stomach. Media has painted the “perfect” body, which is being
thin. That’s the same body I wished I’d have, just so I’d be more “perfect” in
the eyes of society.
“How could you believe when I say that?” he exclaims. “Who
actually likes fat people?”
I tried to swallow his words, processing slowly as alcohol
coursed through my system. He didn’t mean that I’m big, but I myself always did
say I am fat.
The gist of it all, he lied. He did that so I wouldn’t
starve myself. Was it reasonable to do so? I wondered. Couldn’t he just said
that I was not fat at all, instead of saying what he did? All this time, I actually
believed what he said, only because he always said it with a straight face. It
almost seemed, genuine.
I guess I just thought he was different, that’s why I chose
to believe it. And doing so, it also brings me more peace with my own body.
“Let me tell you what my ideal girl is. Hot, tall…”
“You lied??” I interrupted him there. He said he preferred tiny
girls. They were cute and huggable and everything else. He explained by saying
he had two preferences.
It might not sound much, but all these actually made me feel
even more insecure. I thought I was the ideal type for my boyfriend, and who
doesn’t want that. Now, under the dim lights of the bar on a busy Saturday
night, new words have appeared, which made me realised that all these while,
what I believed was not at all true. Perhaps they were partially true, but I
felt.. a little different.
I know, no one can ever be perfect. I just wished I’ve known
it sooner. These words he have said, leading me to believe otherwise through
months of our relationship has now come to light.
I guess he will never understand because he has been deemed
attractive. He would never know how it feels to look into the mirror and hating
yourself, wishing you could just look better.
