Me and my low self-esteem

I sat there, baffled at what he said. A blow to my self-esteem, if it is not already crumbled.

“I like fat chicks”, was what he used to say. Now, I’m not fat, but I am certainly very dissatisfied with my own body. Untoned arms, wide hips and no flat stomach. Media has painted the “perfect” body, which is being thin. That’s the same body I wished I’d have, just so I’d be more “perfect” in the eyes of society.

“How could you believe when I say that?” he exclaims. “Who actually likes fat people?”

I tried to swallow his words, processing slowly as alcohol coursed through my system. He didn’t mean that I’m big, but I myself always did say I am fat.

The gist of it all, he lied. He did that so I wouldn’t starve myself. Was it reasonable to do so? I wondered. Couldn’t he just said that I was not fat at all, instead of saying what he did? All this time, I actually believed what he said, only because he always said it with a straight face. It almost seemed, genuine.

I guess I just thought he was different, that’s why I chose to believe it. And doing so, it also brings me more peace with my own body.

“Let me tell you what my ideal girl is. Hot, tall…”

“You lied??” I interrupted him there. He said he preferred tiny girls. They were cute and huggable and everything else. He explained by saying he had two preferences.

It might not sound much, but all these actually made me feel even more insecure. I thought I was the ideal type for my boyfriend, and who doesn’t want that. Now, under the dim lights of the bar on a busy Saturday night, new words have appeared, which made me realised that all these while, what I believed was not at all true. Perhaps they were partially true, but I felt.. a little different.

I know, no one can ever be perfect. I just wished I’ve known it sooner. These words he have said, leading me to believe otherwise through months of our relationship has now come to light.

I guess he will never understand because he has been deemed attractive. He would never know how it feels to look into the mirror and hating yourself, wishing you could just look better.

Pandora's box

As i sit here, in my dark room, i was inspired to write my first blog post from all the emotions bloating within me. I've been ignoring certain thoughts for awhile now, well aware i'll be nothing but upset recalling those memories. But tonight, i reached for the box i've tried to bury ever so deeply in my mind, one that's best left unopened. My Pandora's box.

I don't know whether i'm deliberately torturing myself, but i do know i made matters worse by listening to songs that reminded me of him. "My Weakness" by Kris Allen especially. When it played, tears cascaded down my cheeks endlessly. A lump welled up in my throat, my chest constricted from the burden of flashing memories. The pain almost felt.. addictive.

    Broken words lead to broken hopes. 
I wished to see him again at every chance i had.

               11:11's, fallen eye lashes, birthday, wishing wells and prayers.

After all that hope, i came to learn that half a year of wishing is not enough to make it come true.
He left me disappointed.



so here's another lesson in life: people come and go. so move on, because the world still revolves without you.